me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
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Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
I’m sorry…what?
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.