‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
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Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.