If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
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Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success