there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
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Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”