I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
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The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Finally, a door that understands me
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need