I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
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Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
You know…for fall…
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.