The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
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HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it