My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
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shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
How to make infinite energy.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
britain’s three elite institutions
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
somewhere, in an alternate universe
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.