Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
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*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store