When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
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“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.