Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
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friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Welcome to the stomach
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]