Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
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Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.