My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Finally!
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.