I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
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It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
I am having an out of money experience.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”