Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
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What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.