[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
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my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
back to work
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?