opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
You Might Also Like
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.