guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
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Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.