I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
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The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]