When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
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I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.