My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
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Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Weighing up my bread heating options
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.