[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
You Might Also Like
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up