it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
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Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
We need to put an American base on the sun
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Not today
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you