Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
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“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
This is not me but this is me
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
absolute chaos
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god