Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
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I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”