Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
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[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”