When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
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This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend