The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
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[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
sigh
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever