[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
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‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.