I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
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Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.