When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
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I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’