Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
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Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.