Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
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Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Single and childfree like Jesus
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
How do you like your Corgi?
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time