You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
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You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
when there are deer in the woods
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today