Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
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what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.