When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
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Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
But that’s none of my business
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead