I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
You Might Also Like
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.