me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
You Might Also Like
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.