Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
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Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy