Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
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Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
We’ve come full circle
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
how to have fun when you’re poor
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
My life coach traded me.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.