Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
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“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
☠️☠️☠️
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
What?
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer