Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
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It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Money is the root of all wealth
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.