The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
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me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team