Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
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I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*