Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
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“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I think this should do it.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish