Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
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somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*