“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
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*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.