‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
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My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
The first matador
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
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You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.