CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
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God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
🏙👨🏼
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*