Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
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Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
i think my razor is having a panic attack
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?